Multidimensional. Intellectual. Misanthropist. Aspiring comic book writer/artist. Father of two beautiful rats. This is a blog about my life.
post-op day 15
the sun was out today so I decided to actually go on a walk for the first time since surgery. luckily I live on a long cul-de-sac with very few houses so even if I cant be in the woods I can at least walk along the road undisturbed and be mostly surrounded by them. however it did take a lot out of me and so ive mostly just been lying down for the rest of the day. I opened the windows to air out my room since it wasnt too too cold, even just having the smell of fresh air makes me feel marginally better.
ive been told I need to be getting tons and tons of protein to speed healing, but right now I dont think ive even been getting enough to maintain normal health, especially considering my rapid weight loss. I made a protein shake today but it was fucking nasty and gave me a bad stomach ache. I think im just going to try to start drinking lots of milk.
ive been doing these shoulder blade exercises im supposed to but they’re very uncomfortable and pull on my clavicle. everything seems to be pretty uncomfortable lately. I just cant wait until the bone is completely fused and then I’ll be able to get onto really working to rehabilitate my muscles without constantly worrying about damaging the bone.
I miss the smell of fresh air more than anything in the whole world rn if it could not be -25 for like 5 fucking minutes that would be great
i’ve dropped down to 111lb since the surgery and i dont think im going to be able to regain tat weight any time soon :/ shit i havent been this under weight since I was like 15
finally getting to play with the guys again :)
im still not yet well enough to shower frequently so clean days are good days
I feel like even after I recover enough to not be in constant pain im still going to need a really long period of self-care and nurturing because the amount I care for and protect myself now is only to cope with the pain but i really dont think im going to be right emotionally until it is over and I can then mentally recover from the months of constant pain
my right shoulder as of today March 4, 2014
i love when winter comes to see me before work she only comes for a couple hours but we make food and then watch some TV and it’s just really nice and I love her a lot ｡◡‿◡｡
finally deleted that fuvking stick n poke tutorial. there’s still thoussnds of reblogs of it going around so I didnt like make it unavailable or anything im just sick and tired of hearing about it and being swamped with notifications. i regret posting it to this blog in the first place cause i got a lot of followers because of it and now ive got like 400 strangers dissecting my life when this was supposed to be a private personal blog I only gave out to close friends.
really wishing that people who choose to actively cultivate friendships with someone who…
•co-opted my suicide attempt by accusing me of attempting to abandon them when we’d only been friends for 5 months
•had sex with me and then said disgusting things about my body to all of my friends
•blackmailed my partner for months by threatening to ruin our relationship
•sent me violent, threatening anonymous messages for months
•actively, directly tried to end my relationship
•all the while claiming to love me and have nothing but my best interests at heart
•threw a hissy fit and tried to turn people against me when I tried to cut them off because of how abusive and manipulative they’d been
•lied and continue to lie to me, my partner, my friends, and everyone they know about every hateful malicious thing they ever did despite me having irrefutable evidence
•was observed by others as having a “psychotic obsession” with me
•continued to actively hate and slander me to others and on their blog for almost a year after i severed contact, and to this day completely despise me, for reasons that are completely beyond me
•had never in the entire time I’d known them displayed any capacity for genuine empathy or morality except as far as it is necessary to preserve their image
•not attempt to salvage any forms of friendship with me
•not attempt to maintain any level of civility with me
•not “like” my posts, while reblogging the other person’s posts, so that the other person wont know they’re still maintaining contact with me
•not consider the issue to have been “two-sided” by any stretch of the imagination
• realize that by considering the issue potentially two-sided you’re basically saying “maybe you deserved everything they did to you. maybe what they did to you is justifiable.”
•consider why ALL of our other mutual friends at the time now think that person is a psychopath and no longer speak to them
I know this seems really dramatic and harsh and that I’ve been really aggressive when speaking out about the person who did these things to me but you have to understand - I am a kind, loving, forgiving person who always tries to give people the benefit of the doubt and always turns the other cheek - and I have been driven to this point. they are 1 of the 2 people who fucked me up and betrayed my trust most in my life, and I’m not taking shit from anyone anymore. I cant take mental abuse or toxic behaviour and cant be surrounded by people who condone it and/or invalidate my experience and completely justifiable, reactionary anger. anger is the emotion that I’ve reached because I’ve discovered it’s the most healthy and productive response to this kind of thing.
if you remain friends with someone after they have sexually, emotionally, or physically abused your friend, you are condoning that behaviour against your friend.
I do not need friends who, on a separate occasion, condoned my sexual assault. I do not need friends who have condoned me being abused and manipulated by someone I trusted, and if you see it as being anything other than that than you have been sorely mislead, or willfully blinded. you cant appease everyone, and when it comes to abusive behaviour if you’re “not picking sides”, you already have picked your side. I dont need to be kept strung along while you buddy up with someone who actively tried to ruin my life. you value them and their friendship, that’s fine, but don’t expect to have mine too. when someone abuses my friends, I cut them out. if you don’t cut out abusers I don’t want anything to do with you. I’ve gained enough self-respect to know that I deserve that much from people.
this isnt under a readmore because it’s also just a general message to anyone - i take friendship and loyalty hecka seriously and have no time for people who dont. and if that means i have fewer friends who care more about me so be it.
my boys finally got their cage moved back in my room tonight! they were in my brothers room since my surgery cause they stank and i couldnt take care of them, and I couldnt play with them or be around them cause they could have given me an infection, but now my wounds all healed up I can play with them again and aaahhh I missed them so bad. I feel so bad for neglecting them cause I know they dont understand why I just disappeared for almost 2 weeks
i took a real shower all by myself today for the first time since surgery :D
whenever I draw self-portraits I never know whether to draw a flat chest for preference/gender expression or breasts for physical accuracy. im contemplating painting a left-handed self portrait just for shits until I can use my right arm again, but I really have to come to terms with the whole having-breasts-doesnt-invalidate-my-identity thing. #battlinginternalcissexism